Do it for her?

When International Women's Day rolled around this year, I was at a weekend retreat for women. I'm sure it'd entered the organisers' mind, although not mine, that this event would spill over onto that auspicious date.

We were wished a happy day of course and I searched to feel something in response and came up with... nothing. Which is odd as this day should be Christmas for a feminist like me.

As I traveled home that afternoon, I scrolled through my timeline. I saw the public declarations of admiration, of commitment, of the slightest poke of tongue in cheek. I thought, I should really post something to mark the day. I thought, I am pretty sure women know how I feel about them. I'd been invited to this retreat to speak on that after all.

Ultimately, I didn't do anything to mark the occasion. Having done the work (with great assistance from my sexuality) to decentred men. My celebration of women has become a daily ritual, a lifelong commitment. As I sat with this notion, she reminded me of another. This is almost exactly how I feel about Valentine's Day.

So in my notebook this week, I started to write a list. The way the two days are the same. The way they are different - month and meal. I then drew a Venn Diagram that ended up as a circle.

Both days seek to take our highest ideals and frankly, repurpose them into capitalistic fodder. Love and feminism, now packaged up and sold to us as inspiring stories, events to RSVP to and themes to be embrace.

Of course, this year, like all other International Women's Days since 2001, gave us a choice of themes. It was either about 'Rights. Justice. Action.' or it we should 'Give to Gain'. You can imagine which the boardroom preferred.

Roses and chocolates are replaced by banners and cupcakes. Men feel a lot of pressure to put on a performance about how deeply they care about the women in their lives. This comes in the form of public declarations of your commitment. Your ex is watching - employee or girlfriend - sharing screenshots to the group chat to call bullshit.

Then there are the real clangers, those posts or announcements that reveal much more than was ever intended. Showing everyone just how toxic the relationship really is. Ups and downs are as loaded as women only occupying support roles. Mums, daughters, wives and co-workers, it's our day to be defined by our relationship with men.

What women really want is a breakfast to sit through. One they probably planned, on top of an already busy workload. We want purple and pink. We want flowers defined by the day not our taste.

Or maybe, just maybe, we want someone to see us in the good light.

Women reclaim the day with their Galentine or in other overt displays of sisterhood. With attention's pricked your gestures towards the hypocrisy carry more weight. When I was single, I went with friends to Valentine's dinners to collect the free desserts. When I was fresh in my field, I marked International Women's Day by creating bingo sheets for the greatest hits of sexism in sport.

Just like any long term commitment, as time past, a steady caring presence replaced the need for these grand gestures. I don't begrudge others for taking the chance to spoil those they care about. So long as this care extends beyond the 24 hour window. Personally, I will no longer make a show of it.

I will still always wish my love and the women in my life, happy days. All of them. Not just the ones marketed to us on a calendar.

With you,
Alice